I’m not sure if you knew, but I’m pretty much the
best, most perfectest mom ever
in the history of ever. I don’t need to tell you that’s sarcasm, right
internet? Maybe? Eh. Is this satire now? I feel like I used to know what that
was but I think I lost it somewhere along the way during my Wild Adventures in
Blogging. People seem to have created this new, vague definition. Anyway, back
to my perfection.
1. Language Police Mom
Firstly, that sounds like an awesome name for some sort of knockoff
Barbie doll; you know the kind made of the same plastic they use for those
KoolAid bottle-things that your cheap Aunt used to buy for you years after
you’d stopped playing with dolls? Complete with police uniform, perfectly
curled hair and a baby under each arm.
Secondly, I appreciate it when people curb their language for children.
That’s real nice and respectful, otherwise known as common courtesy. And yeah,
it kind of sucks when some asshole (heh… heheh, irony is fun) is cursing up a
storm three feet from my perfect and innocent offspring, but hey, welcome to
reality. A mystical place full of things that really suck; like people, for
instance. As we step out into this land of people I can’t control with a
withering ‘mom’ glare, I watch my daughter’s mounting confusion and horror.
Those are bad words, she knows those are bad words because from time to time
her mother says similar words and tells her those are bad words. I steel myself
for life lesson time, usually by ordering more coffee.
Dearest child –I begin— cursing can be fun. It can be honed into a fine,
enjoyable art. But, like many fun things in life, you typically have to be of
an appropriate age to enjoy them. Now is not that age, nor will it ever be
whilst you exist under my roof and I am legally responsible for your
transgressions. If you happen to express such language in my supreme direction,
I will personally ensure that I embarrass you in front of every boy (girl?) you
like in the history of ever.
And lastly, it’s a mom’s job to protect their children, pretty much, but
there exists this fine, judgy line between protection and total realistic
disconnection. Remember I’m totally perfect, here, so yeah…
2. The ‘I Buy and Make Everything Organic,’ Mom
Kudos, thumbs up and a big smack on the ass for you, lady, I mean
seriously, that stuff is expensive. But… could you maybe stop shoving it down
my throat like that awful kale smoothie you’re forcing your sobbing child to
choke down while I hand my daughter some frozen yogurt? She aced another
spelling test, get off my case, bro. Also, it’s a Saturday morning and my will
is weak.
I make my kid Kraft Mac ‘N Cheese with frozen chicken nuggets (I do heat
them, by the way) sometimes, and I refuse to feel bad about it. I mean, its
childhood we are talking about here, I only have so much time to nutritionally
ruin her for life like my parents did. It’s the American way.
3. The ‘You’re Doing That, As In Everything, All Wrong,’ Mom.
I am all about the open mindedness and information sharing. No really,
despite my hatred of kale, smoothie form or otherwise, I totally am. But… I
just really have a hard time believing there could be another mom as perfect as
me out there. Okay, in all seriousness, all the kid one-upping that goes on
here kiiiinda makes me want to strangle you with your really cute diaper bag.
Your kid is awesome I’m sure, but every time you have to explain how they are
more awesome than every other belligerent two year old, you steadily ruin the
chances anyone else is actually going to like your kid. Or you.
4. The ‘My Baby is 57 and a Half Months Old,’ Mom
Your kid is not 20 months old; your kid is over a year old, maybe even a
year and a half old, but for the love of sweet, beautiful baby Jesus,
after a year, months should no longer be used to reference the age of your
child. That’s like forcing complete strangers to do math the very first time
you meet them, and that’s grounds for irrational hatred. And I mean completely
warranted, pure, unadulterated, but still irrational, hatred.
5. The ‘Center for Disease Control,’ Mom
I love hand sanitizer as much as the next working mother with no more
sick leave, but I need you to stop forcing it on me every 5 seconds. Do you
want me to drink it? Would that make you happy?! Dude, we used to hold each
other’s hair in post-apocalyptic bar bathroom conditions, can we just calm down
a teensy, teensy bit? Mini you just shoved three pennies and a nickel into her
mouth while you were death staring me for licking Cheetos off my fingers,
you’ve got bigger problems.
6. The ‘Always Super Chipper and Well Dressed,” Mom
I hate you.
No really, I just… hate you. I’m 100% sure you sold your soul to Satan,
or maybe Martha Stewart. Nope, don’t even speak to me, I feel more disgusting
and unworthy the closer you get. I’m not even sure these Yoga pants are clean,
I may have worn them to the gym yesterday, who even knows anymore?
7. The ‘I Lost All My Baby Weight in 5 Hours,’ Mom
From time to time I enjoy playing this game with strangers at the gym
where I say I’m trying to lose ‘baby’ weight. This is not exactly a lie. I
merely see no reason to inform them my supposed ‘baby’ is almost nine years old
(how many months is that?). Not relevant in the least.
Also— see #6 for further details.
8. The ‘I Only Care About Being A Mom,” Mom
Shhhhh, this is a safe place my parenting sister. No one here (okay,
well, excluding the entire internet because that’s just what the internet does)
is going to judge you for forcing your kid down for an early nap because you
wanted to catch up on the last season of Game of Thrones prior to season four
premiering. Or, you know, to prevent yourself from being tomorrow’s CNN
headline, whichever. All your dreams, hobbies and general sense of self doesn’t
have to leave your body at the same time your baby is expelled from your
vagina, I mean they probably will, but you should at least fight the good
fight. Is that what feminism is about? That’s becoming about as vague as
satire.
9. The ‘We Don’t Use the Word ‘No’ In Our House,’ Mom
And this ‘only positive reinforcement’ thing you’ve got going on
prepares your kid for reality… how, exactly? My favorite thing to say to my
daughter is no. I even say it before she finishes asking for something. Usually
because she asks me for everything she’s ever wanted in her entire life within
the first ten minutes after I pick her up from school, but also because life is
filed with a whole lot of ‘no.’ I’d rather she learned that early on, from me,
than go skipping into the world expecting rainbows and unicorns only to
belatedly discover soul crushing disappointment that is in no way positive, or
glittery. Soul crushing.
10. The ‘I Write Internet Articles about Other Moms and Its Super
Hypocritical,’ Mom
Oh, well hello there internet, fancy meeting you here.
Suuuuuuuup?
Stolen from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianne-mcdonald/2014/04/10-types-of-moms-that-suck/
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