Amidst the chaos...

...of the season, with all of the scrambling to get everyone's Christmas present, and rushing from one party to the next, it's hard to keep a smile on my face sometimes.  This time of the year truly sucks for me.  There's always a nagging sadness that I can't shake, always a memory that seems to pop through at the most unexpected times.  I found myself standing at the stove cooking dinner, weeping, on Monday.  Tuesday I was driving in the car and that stupid Kelly Clarkson song came on the radio again.  Thursday I was in hysterics laughing about a family incident that happened almost 20 years ago, and realizing the only other person who was there and lived it with me was my sister...  it's amazing how quickly laughter can turn to sobbing. 

For my children's sake, I can normally keep all of this under wraps, or at least sequestered to the privacy of the shower, when no one really can hear my breakdowns.  This has become a common occurrence for the last week or so and it's starting to bother me.  There's something incredibly freeing about crying in the shower though...

Today the offending situation was just listening to the Jingle Bell Rock on the radio.  In 5th grade, Heather had to do this choreographed dance to that song, along with every other kid who ever attended elementary school in Richlands.  It was like a rite of passage to learn that dance - a pretty big deal for a 10 year old - and I remember Heather being so excited to teach it to me when she got home from school that day.  We had only been living in Richlands for a few months and things that would normally have been shared with our parents she chose to share with me.  We laughed and laughed as she taught me the steps and to this day, whenever I hear the song on the radio, I do the steps too, wherever I may be.  And I did them this morning again, just like always. 

I wish I knew how long it would take for this to get easier.  It doesn't ever seem like it is going to get better.  I saw something online this morning that seemed fitting and I thought I would post it here.  I wish someone would tell me this on a daily basis.